why

I decided to write this since losing my little girl due to her extreme prematurity and my HELLP. Its Been 2 weeks since she became our angel. I cry everyday not for her but for me. I know that she is safe and in a better place. But i am the one left her with out her, all my dreams crushed all my hopes gone with that little girl. I was only 27wk+1 when i went to the L&D due to some upper abdominal pain (this was Christmas). when I was taken back and strapped into the belly monitors her heart was dropping dangerously low and my BP was extremely high. The doctors did some blood work on me and found i had hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelets. Then i got the shot of steroids to help her lungs develop to prepare for birth. I thought i was going to spend a couple days on bed rest in the hospital before they would deliver her but no they took her that night at 2112 (912pm). I had an emergancy c section i was completely knocked out, my husband had gotten to see her the night she was born and held her little hand he said she had quite the little grip. I didn't get to see her until 1230 the next day and then i wasn't allowed to touch her. She was 15 oz 11.5 inches. She had a good first couple of days she was a fighter but after i had gotten out of the hospital we had a few close calls then there was January 4th, 2010, We had gotten a call from the NICU that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and her BP wasn't stabalizing and that we should come in right away. On the ride to the hospital i became quite calm and was saying that she was going to be okay i just didn't think it meant she was going to become and angel. We got to the NICU and i just started to ball i knew something was wrong and that the docs couldn't help her any more when they asked me if i wanted to hold her. When i was holding her we had her baptized she was/is so precious that was the first time i got to hold her. She started to get cold so the nurses put her back in her incubator. Dave and i then sat at her bedside for about 4 hours watching as her vital signs just kept dropping then at about 2pm the docs said there was nothing more they could do her lungs were not reacting to the medication. So they took her off the ventilator and let me hold her as she died. She tried to cry out and get a breath when the ventilator was off but she just couldn't do it. That was the last time i held her alive. I know she is no longer suffering but i don't know why God would give me a child just to take her from me 10 days later. She was my christmas miracle and filled my heart with more love than ever and now that she is gone my heart is in a million pieces. I was supposed to still be pregnant not arranging her funeral arrangements.

Since my husband and i are both in the Navy and we have no intentions of staying in Virginia we decided to have her cremated instead of burring her in a place that latter on in life we would have to take a vacation to just go visit her grave we can take her with us. We haven't had a memorial yet our families are in different states so we decided that a service during the time she was supposed to be born would be better.

I miss that little girl so much sometimes it's hard to just look at someone who is pregnant with a healthy baby, or a mother who has her baby home with her to hold in her arms not in her heart like i do.