Just a rant

Why is it that people who haven't been through a loss like we have think it is ok to say "It's time to just get over it and move on." Seriously do they think that losing a CHILD is something you just brush off your shoulders and move on with your life. They don't understand that this pain we all carry will be with us our entire lives. Or that we are trying to get on with our lives within our "new normal".

It makes me sad that others have had that phrase said right to there face or see it in the looks they get.

I personnaly don't have this problem with my family, there have been aunts and grandmas that have lost babies from age just born up to about 14. A child loss at any age is still a loss of a child that hurts deep inside our souls.

Two month birthday

So today is the day that Laken should be two months old; not sitting on a shelf in my living room. I think a friend said it best on her facebook status tonight " life is understood looking backwards but you have to live life forward." To m that means when all is said and done when it is my time to see my precious angel again I will understand why she was taken from me so early. And until that day I will just have to have faith that God doesn't make mistakes and keep moving on with my life. Well more like my new life with my new normal. Laken is and always will be apart of my life. When people ask if I have any children I say proudly "Yes but she is in heaven." I don't care if I offend anybody by saying that because to me that is the truth. And when I have more children as they grow they will know that the silver box is where their sister is "resting" and they will honor her just like Dave and I honor our baby.

starting my new normal and getting through work days

So I am getting better at learning my new normal. 
Still not too sure if I like it but too late now I have to learn to deal with it. 
I lost my daughter my only child, I know I am still a mother but why doesn't others see me as one. 
I carried her for 6 months I gave birth grated it was C section because she had to be taken out ASAP, but she came from my body, she was/is mine. Even though she is not her on this earth She is still my baby, mine. She is the center of my home, the center of my life.  I had my baby with me for 10 livings and now I have "her" forever on her shelf.


Somedays it takes David and Roxy (my puppy) to help get me through the day. I've started working again so I have to be strong enough to get myself to the quarterdeck to sit there for 8 hours with two other pregnant women who are having girls a month after Laken's due date was. It was really hard for me that first day back because they kept asking me about what happened and what it was like. My eyes started to swell but I held in my pain and just let it out on the car ride back home. 


Yesterday Laken's birth certificate cam in the mail. I had to take a moment to compose myself. Because i know one of the reasons I was waiting to get this piece of paper was so we could get her Life Insurance. The idea of getting her life insurance money wasn't something i wanted to think about when she was her and then died but being military she was automatically covered and we are entitled to it. So i decided that with a some of it i want to give back to other preemies and their families. And another piece of it (when the time is right) would end up going to Laken's little sister or brother's college fund. 




(Laken is my baby, mine.)

Valentines day

David gave me a card today that brought me to tears with the mention of how wonderful Laken is and was.  I have to head to bed I got work in the morning, uhg at least the girl I'm standing watch with isn't pregnant. I just really wanted to say to you my little Angel "Happy Valentines Day! Please forgive a falling tear, a silent wish that you were here; others have lost like this we know, but you are ours and we love you so. You are missed so much but we know in our hearts that you have no pain and are thriving in heaven waiting with family until the day we meet you again."

My nights

So my nights used to be me going to bed around 9 but now I just can't seem to sleep my mind wonders about the what ifs I try not to think about them because I know Laken is healed and in a better place and she looks over me now.

She may have only lived for 10 days but she did a great thing something Dave and I had tried to do but just couldn't find time. She brought our families together to meet for the first time and turns out the parents are all friends even joined eachother facebook.

I love my little girl she made me so proud and I am thankful I was chosen to be her mother.

some thoughts

Growing up i always said that i wasn't going to have children, I was always afraid that any child i had would end up ADHD. It runs in both sides of the family my brother was medicated for it growing up i was never diagnosed with it but there is a bit there and my husband has a bit. I met my husband and we talked about kids but decided when our lives get a bit more stable and when one of us was on shore duty. But after our 07-08 deployment we started talking more in the near future i was always a bit unsure but July 09 when i got the BFP I was so happy I had a little being inside me that was part me part him and our family was just getting started. We started planning and developing dreams and hopes for our "little bit". The first time we heard the heart beat was so hectic i had gone into the ER b/c i couldn't tolerate boat food and the boat doc sent me to the er; it was an order i had to follow. We sat in the waiting room from 9am to about 1pm just to get back in the room to be given zofran and have my blood sugar checked but one doc wanted to give training to one of the new petty officers on the ultra sound machine and we got to see the little bit and hear the heart beat i almost cried. Then there was a horrible day the same weeki was about 11 weeks i went to the ER with heavy bleeding they wouldn't see me at L&D because i wasn't 20 wks yet. I sat in the waiting room horrified that i had lost my baby. After many years of saying i didn't want children i had thought to myself maybe i wasn't supposed to have kids that i had wished myself to be without kids. But when we went back into the room and they put the ultra sound on and saw our baby moving all over and when i say all over i mean all over, the docs had a hard time getting the heart beat b/c she wouldn't stay still. I was so happy and started to calm down and realized that i was going to be a mom and be the best mom i could be. I would do anything for my baby. The next few months were ok but i always had headaches and i was still throwing up every morning until Christmas, and when i brushed my teeth and i would spit out more blood than toothpaste the docs said that i was pregnant and i was just complaining. I started having pains in my upper abdomen gull bladder problems run in the family so i went to L&D by this point i was 27+1wk and it turned out that i had protien in my urine and my BP was dangerously high and my liver and kidneys started to get bad and my platelets were around 50ish. Then the docs told me I had sever pre eclampsia and HELLP. For the safety of me and Laken they needed to deliver. She was born at 912pm 15oz 11.5 inches she had IUGR but they didn't know why. when i got to see her on the 26th i felt so proud that she had made it through the night and was stable for the most part. But another emotion i felt so sad i kept saying sorry to her that i couldn't have taken care of her better and she had to come into the world like this. But i also kept telling her that i would protect her and she would be ok. I just hoped that it could have been here on earth instead of in the clouds and stars as my angel. Even though she is gone I am still her mom i am still a parent and i am no longer afraid of having kids. She will have siblings and she gave me the strength to stand up for myself with the OB doctors too. Tomorrow will be 1 month that she has been gone but she still fills my life with so much joy. I don't cry for her she is safe and no longer in pain, i cry for me not having my baby here in my arms.

What makes a mother?

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom






*I love you Laken; mommy misses you very much.  kisses and hugs.