The Countdown is On

So it's down to 5 days before our vacation away from Virginia life. Time to just take a 2 weeks and let everything go, to think about nothing to just have fun. To spend our days playing in the water, laying on the beach and letting the dogs run free out on the island. Where they can roll in whatever they want just when they come back they ARE getting a bath in the lake. And we have somebody looking out for our house so there is one less worry there.

Last year in July my niece was born and I am finally going to meet her. She was born a couple weeks after I found out with Little LAMB.

And on the 20th Miss Roxelle will be 1yr. It seems like just yesterday she was only 7lbs and I was still pregnant. I can't help but think how big Laken would be. They were supposed to be growing together.

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starting my new normal and getting through work days

So I am getting better at learning my new normal. 
Still not too sure if I like it but too late now I have to learn to deal with it. 
I lost my daughter my only child, I know I am still a mother but why doesn't others see me as one. 
I carried her for 6 months I gave birth grated it was C section because she had to be taken out ASAP, but she came from my body, she was/is mine. Even though she is not her on this earth She is still my baby, mine. She is the center of my home, the center of my life.  I had my baby with me for 10 livings and now I have "her" forever on her shelf.


Somedays it takes David and Roxy (my puppy) to help get me through the day. I've started working again so I have to be strong enough to get myself to the quarterdeck to sit there for 8 hours with two other pregnant women who are having girls a month after Laken's due date was. It was really hard for me that first day back because they kept asking me about what happened and what it was like. My eyes started to swell but I held in my pain and just let it out on the car ride back home. 


Yesterday Laken's birth certificate cam in the mail. I had to take a moment to compose myself. Because i know one of the reasons I was waiting to get this piece of paper was so we could get her Life Insurance. The idea of getting her life insurance money wasn't something i wanted to think about when she was her and then died but being military she was automatically covered and we are entitled to it. So i decided that with a some of it i want to give back to other preemies and their families. And another piece of it (when the time is right) would end up going to Laken's little sister or brother's college fund. 




(Laken is my baby, mine.)