a letter to Laken

Happy 6 months little girl,
 Alot has happened and we wish that we could have had you here with us, for all the "first" instead of us here without you. Mommy and Daddy still have our hard days somedays it takes everything in my will to get out of bed. Today was one of those days. I'm sure you are the one that gives me that last little push to get me up and going. We are going on vacation here in a couple of days it was supposed to be our first family vacation but its never going to be the same without you. Even when we do have your siblings. There will always be something missing and that something is you. I still have all of your things that we bought you I can't bring myself to give them away so I guess its a good thing we didn't have too much yet. Christmas will always have a sad bit to it. Even though it was the day that the Lord brought you into this world, I know that we were very sick and I couldn't help you. I think that is the hardest thing for me to get over, knowing that there was nothing I could have done for you to keep you growing safe inside. I love you so much little Lamb, you forever hold a piece of our hearts.

Love Mommy and Daddy
and of course Roxelle and Torque.

Hard Time

So I think that Dave is starting to have a harder time than I am, or he's been keeping it inside that it's starting to break him down. He put up Laken's shelf in the living room tonight. Some days I just don't know what to do besides just sit and cry and i don't know how to help him. We lost our daughter who should have been saying hi to this world this month. So I think that maybe a part of why he is taking it so hard this month.
And now with me working nights 6pm-6am on a 5-2 schedule I will hardly see him. I'm just afraid that with working nights and not being able to sleep when I know its day; that I will become very irritable and take some of it out on him. And I'm afraid that my health will suffer. I just don't know what to do. And I have begun to have anxiety attacks.

starting my new normal and getting through work days

So I am getting better at learning my new normal. 
Still not too sure if I like it but too late now I have to learn to deal with it. 
I lost my daughter my only child, I know I am still a mother but why doesn't others see me as one. 
I carried her for 6 months I gave birth grated it was C section because she had to be taken out ASAP, but she came from my body, she was/is mine. Even though she is not her on this earth She is still my baby, mine. She is the center of my home, the center of my life.  I had my baby with me for 10 livings and now I have "her" forever on her shelf.


Somedays it takes David and Roxy (my puppy) to help get me through the day. I've started working again so I have to be strong enough to get myself to the quarterdeck to sit there for 8 hours with two other pregnant women who are having girls a month after Laken's due date was. It was really hard for me that first day back because they kept asking me about what happened and what it was like. My eyes started to swell but I held in my pain and just let it out on the car ride back home. 


Yesterday Laken's birth certificate cam in the mail. I had to take a moment to compose myself. Because i know one of the reasons I was waiting to get this piece of paper was so we could get her Life Insurance. The idea of getting her life insurance money wasn't something i wanted to think about when she was her and then died but being military she was automatically covered and we are entitled to it. So i decided that with a some of it i want to give back to other preemies and their families. And another piece of it (when the time is right) would end up going to Laken's little sister or brother's college fund. 




(Laken is my baby, mine.)