Why oh Why has my life turned into this???

I have found myself in a dark place. A place where no one can hear my cries for a normal life.

I had a breakdown the last two days. It seems like any little thing makes me so depressed and angry. Sometimes just seeing a little baby gets me crying and feeling oh so sad for what my life has become. But yesterday my dog made a huge mess while I was sleeping and when I saw what she had done I just got so mad at the world more than her. As I was cleaning I just started to get so furious and was screaming "Why!!!". I guess you could say and tell that I haven't really been talking out my feelings that I have been bottling them up. But that's just me I never have been good at expressing my feelings. (not written anyway).

We have a really good couple friend that we try and hang out with every Sunday, but even that is getting to me. I don't want to tell DH because I know it does him good to get out but me well that's something different. She's pregnant due in may, and well sometimes when I see her I just have to hold my feeling in because seeing her gets to be too much. Don't get it wrong I don't dispise her - I'm just mad that my little one was taken from us and she won't get to play with ACE. They were supposed to grow up together while we are stationed in VA.

Oh and then there is the time I broke down b/c my friend who was due a week after I was supposed to be due had her DS and didn't tell me. She still hasn't. I guess after losing a child you learn who your real friends are. She never even came to the little memorial/ get together that we had a week after she died. That break down was more of me realizing that I'm not a normal mom, yes I am a mom but to an angel instead of an earthly child. I don't know why i care so much about this but maybe I'm just upset that new moms are afraid that they might hurt my feelings. 

some thoughts

Growing up i always said that i wasn't going to have children, I was always afraid that any child i had would end up ADHD. It runs in both sides of the family my brother was medicated for it growing up i was never diagnosed with it but there is a bit there and my husband has a bit. I met my husband and we talked about kids but decided when our lives get a bit more stable and when one of us was on shore duty. But after our 07-08 deployment we started talking more in the near future i was always a bit unsure but July 09 when i got the BFP I was so happy I had a little being inside me that was part me part him and our family was just getting started. We started planning and developing dreams and hopes for our "little bit". The first time we heard the heart beat was so hectic i had gone into the ER b/c i couldn't tolerate boat food and the boat doc sent me to the er; it was an order i had to follow. We sat in the waiting room from 9am to about 1pm just to get back in the room to be given zofran and have my blood sugar checked but one doc wanted to give training to one of the new petty officers on the ultra sound machine and we got to see the little bit and hear the heart beat i almost cried. Then there was a horrible day the same weeki was about 11 weeks i went to the ER with heavy bleeding they wouldn't see me at L&D because i wasn't 20 wks yet. I sat in the waiting room horrified that i had lost my baby. After many years of saying i didn't want children i had thought to myself maybe i wasn't supposed to have kids that i had wished myself to be without kids. But when we went back into the room and they put the ultra sound on and saw our baby moving all over and when i say all over i mean all over, the docs had a hard time getting the heart beat b/c she wouldn't stay still. I was so happy and started to calm down and realized that i was going to be a mom and be the best mom i could be. I would do anything for my baby. The next few months were ok but i always had headaches and i was still throwing up every morning until Christmas, and when i brushed my teeth and i would spit out more blood than toothpaste the docs said that i was pregnant and i was just complaining. I started having pains in my upper abdomen gull bladder problems run in the family so i went to L&D by this point i was 27+1wk and it turned out that i had protien in my urine and my BP was dangerously high and my liver and kidneys started to get bad and my platelets were around 50ish. Then the docs told me I had sever pre eclampsia and HELLP. For the safety of me and Laken they needed to deliver. She was born at 912pm 15oz 11.5 inches she had IUGR but they didn't know why. when i got to see her on the 26th i felt so proud that she had made it through the night and was stable for the most part. But another emotion i felt so sad i kept saying sorry to her that i couldn't have taken care of her better and she had to come into the world like this. But i also kept telling her that i would protect her and she would be ok. I just hoped that it could have been here on earth instead of in the clouds and stars as my angel. Even though she is gone I am still her mom i am still a parent and i am no longer afraid of having kids. She will have siblings and she gave me the strength to stand up for myself with the OB doctors too. Tomorrow will be 1 month that she has been gone but she still fills my life with so much joy. I don't cry for her she is safe and no longer in pain, i cry for me not having my baby here in my arms.

hard day

Today wasn't a Bad day per-say but it wasn't a good day either. Last night i had a dream i vaguely remember but i do know that I knew Laken was gone but i was still pregnant. And the feeling from that dream just stayed with me, My eyes have been wet from tears all day. 

I've begun to have the empty arm feelings like I want a baby to hold and to take care of. But i'm also not  completely ready to have one right yet. I'm still healing from my loss of my baby LAMB. She sits high on a shelf in my house and i have her picture on the fridge i talk to her everyday and i can't seem to talk about her with out my eyes watering up and crying. If i see something that reminds me of her or my pregnancy with her i get the same. I still have many tears for her I'm quite certain that those tears will never dry up I will have tears to cry until the day I die and I see her again. 

I have become very resentful when i see a pregnant woman that doesn't take care of herself. They smoke, don't take prenatal vitamins, they drink and just don't take care of there body (there babies home for 9 months) and they just don't care. And then I find myself asking the "why" question. Why do they deserve to have there babies why do they have full term pregnancies and get to take their baby home, why was i cheated? But for my friends that are pregnant i pray that they have a safe and healthy pregnancy and I hope that one day so can I. 

I just wanted to raise my child and protect her from the world. And I guess in a way she is protected from the cruelty of the world, but she never got to see it. In the NICU she was under the skylight but she never fully opened her eyes they were still fused when she was born. One night she did start to open her left eye it looked blue. (of course her eyes are blue both DH and I have blue eyes). But her eyes were to sensitive to light, so she had a blanket put over her isolate. She was so precious that night I know she was trying to put her hand over her eye but it looked like she was waving and mommy and daddy while we took her daily picture.