Why oh Why has my life turned into this???

I have found myself in a dark place. A place where no one can hear my cries for a normal life.

I had a breakdown the last two days. It seems like any little thing makes me so depressed and angry. Sometimes just seeing a little baby gets me crying and feeling oh so sad for what my life has become. But yesterday my dog made a huge mess while I was sleeping and when I saw what she had done I just got so mad at the world more than her. As I was cleaning I just started to get so furious and was screaming "Why!!!". I guess you could say and tell that I haven't really been talking out my feelings that I have been bottling them up. But that's just me I never have been good at expressing my feelings. (not written anyway).

We have a really good couple friend that we try and hang out with every Sunday, but even that is getting to me. I don't want to tell DH because I know it does him good to get out but me well that's something different. She's pregnant due in may, and well sometimes when I see her I just have to hold my feeling in because seeing her gets to be too much. Don't get it wrong I don't dispise her - I'm just mad that my little one was taken from us and she won't get to play with ACE. They were supposed to grow up together while we are stationed in VA.

Oh and then there is the time I broke down b/c my friend who was due a week after I was supposed to be due had her DS and didn't tell me. She still hasn't. I guess after losing a child you learn who your real friends are. She never even came to the little memorial/ get together that we had a week after she died. That break down was more of me realizing that I'm not a normal mom, yes I am a mom but to an angel instead of an earthly child. I don't know why i care so much about this but maybe I'm just upset that new moms are afraid that they might hurt my feelings.