This is Torque

 Little Miss Torque is full mastiff born the 29th of December, 4 days after Laken.  She is flying into Norfolk from Ohio on Sunday night. DH has been saying he wants another dog for a couple of months now. And when he showed me her picture you could see it in his eyes that he was already in love with her. I think it may be he's trying to fill a void in his heart. He's just not as close to Roxy as i am, but it is what it is and now my puppy has a new little(big) sister. I'm praying torque gets along with her I know Roxy will love having someone to run in the yard with. She gets excited when snoopy comes over.

And can I just say that our vacation to the U.P. Is going to be interesting car ride from Va to Mi.

Contest for Clothing drive

In honor of my little girl I am doing a clothing drive and need your help.

Im going to give away one of my tile designs custom made for the winner.
Heres the deal. Im doing a preemie drive for the hospital that my Laken was born at.
I need anything from binkies for preemies to clothes. Go "HERE" to get the rest of the details.

Here's the rules

You get 1 entries for every time you post a link to the drive site
You get 2 entries for every item you donate
You get 3 entry for every for every $10.00 donation

When you post a link or donate money be sure to leave a comment here or on the drive blog so i will be sure to put in your entries.  Drawing will be help at the end June 1st. Plenty of time for you all to get lots of entries and time to think about what kind of tile design you would like.

Mothers day approaching

Well as you may know if you look at a calandar mothers day is next month. When I went to target to buy some patio chairs I thought it would be a good idea to pick my mom up a card. Boy was I wrong. Looking at all those cards just cut my soul deep down and i couldn't bring myself to buy one. And as I was choking back my tears (really hate to cry in public) I realized that i won't get to truely enjoy this mothers day. I can't get over of why celebrate when my baby that I am mother to is gone. Mothers day is supposed to be happy and signify how good of a mom you are. But how good of a mom am I?  I couldn't take her to term or protect her and keep her safe? But I am hoping to get my bracelet with her birthstone charm, weight, lenght, time and day she was born. I'm really hoping DH remembers me telling him this back when I was pregnant. If not (hey baby here's my hint).

Why oh Why has my life turned into this???

I have found myself in a dark place. A place where no one can hear my cries for a normal life.

I had a breakdown the last two days. It seems like any little thing makes me so depressed and angry. Sometimes just seeing a little baby gets me crying and feeling oh so sad for what my life has become. But yesterday my dog made a huge mess while I was sleeping and when I saw what she had done I just got so mad at the world more than her. As I was cleaning I just started to get so furious and was screaming "Why!!!". I guess you could say and tell that I haven't really been talking out my feelings that I have been bottling them up. But that's just me I never have been good at expressing my feelings. (not written anyway).

We have a really good couple friend that we try and hang out with every Sunday, but even that is getting to me. I don't want to tell DH because I know it does him good to get out but me well that's something different. She's pregnant due in may, and well sometimes when I see her I just have to hold my feeling in because seeing her gets to be too much. Don't get it wrong I don't dispise her - I'm just mad that my little one was taken from us and she won't get to play with ACE. They were supposed to grow up together while we are stationed in VA.

Oh and then there is the time I broke down b/c my friend who was due a week after I was supposed to be due had her DS and didn't tell me. She still hasn't. I guess after losing a child you learn who your real friends are. She never even came to the little memorial/ get together that we had a week after she died. That break down was more of me realizing that I'm not a normal mom, yes I am a mom but to an angel instead of an earthly child. I don't know why i care so much about this but maybe I'm just upset that new moms are afraid that they might hurt my feelings. 

Not Really Easter

Well Easter was supposed to be "Family of Three First Easter" well we are three if you count the Roxer (puppy) but I really wish I would have had my week old baby with me, but I can't dwell on the "supposed to bes" so I am going to try my hardest and move on with the day just like any other day. I didn't even decorate eggs. I just feel like what is the point its just me, DH and Roxer. And For one mommy Easter will NEVER be the same just like Christmas will be for me. But docs are saying that her little one will not make it that she is too small to even try and safe due to IUGR. She will be induced tomorrow b/c they fear for her life if they wait any longer. But hopefully the extra weeks that LO stayed in wouldn't have been for nothing. You can read her story

HERE

but in the spirit of Easter and keeping my spirits up I leave you with this.


"What happens when a hen eats fruit loops?"

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!