hard day

Today wasn't a Bad day per-say but it wasn't a good day either. Last night i had a dream i vaguely remember but i do know that I knew Laken was gone but i was still pregnant. And the feeling from that dream just stayed with me, My eyes have been wet from tears all day. 

I've begun to have the empty arm feelings like I want a baby to hold and to take care of. But i'm also not  completely ready to have one right yet. I'm still healing from my loss of my baby LAMB. She sits high on a shelf in my house and i have her picture on the fridge i talk to her everyday and i can't seem to talk about her with out my eyes watering up and crying. If i see something that reminds me of her or my pregnancy with her i get the same. I still have many tears for her I'm quite certain that those tears will never dry up I will have tears to cry until the day I die and I see her again. 

I have become very resentful when i see a pregnant woman that doesn't take care of herself. They smoke, don't take prenatal vitamins, they drink and just don't take care of there body (there babies home for 9 months) and they just don't care. And then I find myself asking the "why" question. Why do they deserve to have there babies why do they have full term pregnancies and get to take their baby home, why was i cheated? But for my friends that are pregnant i pray that they have a safe and healthy pregnancy and I hope that one day so can I. 

I just wanted to raise my child and protect her from the world. And I guess in a way she is protected from the cruelty of the world, but she never got to see it. In the NICU she was under the skylight but she never fully opened her eyes they were still fused when she was born. One night she did start to open her left eye it looked blue. (of course her eyes are blue both DH and I have blue eyes). But her eyes were to sensitive to light, so she had a blanket put over her isolate. She was so precious that night I know she was trying to put her hand over her eye but it looked like she was waving and mommy and daddy while we took her daily picture.