some thoughts

Growing up i always said that i wasn't going to have children, I was always afraid that any child i had would end up ADHD. It runs in both sides of the family my brother was medicated for it growing up i was never diagnosed with it but there is a bit there and my husband has a bit. I met my husband and we talked about kids but decided when our lives get a bit more stable and when one of us was on shore duty. But after our 07-08 deployment we started talking more in the near future i was always a bit unsure but July 09 when i got the BFP I was so happy I had a little being inside me that was part me part him and our family was just getting started. We started planning and developing dreams and hopes for our "little bit". The first time we heard the heart beat was so hectic i had gone into the ER b/c i couldn't tolerate boat food and the boat doc sent me to the er; it was an order i had to follow. We sat in the waiting room from 9am to about 1pm just to get back in the room to be given zofran and have my blood sugar checked but one doc wanted to give training to one of the new petty officers on the ultra sound machine and we got to see the little bit and hear the heart beat i almost cried. Then there was a horrible day the same weeki was about 11 weeks i went to the ER with heavy bleeding they wouldn't see me at L&D because i wasn't 20 wks yet. I sat in the waiting room horrified that i had lost my baby. After many years of saying i didn't want children i had thought to myself maybe i wasn't supposed to have kids that i had wished myself to be without kids. But when we went back into the room and they put the ultra sound on and saw our baby moving all over and when i say all over i mean all over, the docs had a hard time getting the heart beat b/c she wouldn't stay still. I was so happy and started to calm down and realized that i was going to be a mom and be the best mom i could be. I would do anything for my baby. The next few months were ok but i always had headaches and i was still throwing up every morning until Christmas, and when i brushed my teeth and i would spit out more blood than toothpaste the docs said that i was pregnant and i was just complaining. I started having pains in my upper abdomen gull bladder problems run in the family so i went to L&D by this point i was 27+1wk and it turned out that i had protien in my urine and my BP was dangerously high and my liver and kidneys started to get bad and my platelets were around 50ish. Then the docs told me I had sever pre eclampsia and HELLP. For the safety of me and Laken they needed to deliver. She was born at 912pm 15oz 11.5 inches she had IUGR but they didn't know why. when i got to see her on the 26th i felt so proud that she had made it through the night and was stable for the most part. But another emotion i felt so sad i kept saying sorry to her that i couldn't have taken care of her better and she had to come into the world like this. But i also kept telling her that i would protect her and she would be ok. I just hoped that it could have been here on earth instead of in the clouds and stars as my angel. Even though she is gone I am still her mom i am still a parent and i am no longer afraid of having kids. She will have siblings and she gave me the strength to stand up for myself with the OB doctors too. Tomorrow will be 1 month that she has been gone but she still fills my life with so much joy. I don't cry for her she is safe and no longer in pain, i cry for me not having my baby here in my arms.