Singing out on 2010

So right now I'm sitting at work and figured I could take some time and write this out.

Our 2010 has been filled with lots of emotion from grief to sadness and anger to happiness. Even though at times I feel like I shouldn't be feeling happy yet I know I must get on with my life. And I have to remember that Laken is not gone that she is with me in spirit.

JANUARY- Days 1-3 Worried about our Daughter fighting for her life, day 4 got the call from the hospital around 7:30 telling us we needed to come up to the NICU ASAP. We sat with Laken, talked to her and held her in her last moments and we had to say goodbye to the best thing that ever happened to us. the days following planned her creamation and memorial. picked "her" up took her home and put her on her shelf. Alot of grieving and not wanting to get out of bed.

FEBRUARY- Learned that I do infact have Factor V heterozygous gene mutation; started taking LDA to keep my blood thin. Valentines day got flowers and a heartfelt card from hubby (which the dog decided to chew up the top of the card- but I still have it saved away). Still grieving and still have days that I didn't want to get out of bed. Reenlisted for 3 more years in the Navy. Went back to work tried to keep my mind busy. Had a few panic attacks on the way home from work.

MARCH- Got put on night shift watching restricted personnel on 12 hour shifts. Due date came and went we cried.

APRIL- Easter we cried, alot of working and sleeping on days off. Got a new puppy an Old English Mastiff named Torque! Took Roxelle to get fixed. I felt bad but knew it was for her own good, I hate to see my pup in pain. She just wanted to be outside so I put a blanket out on the grass for her to lay on while Dave put up our new screen door.

MAY- Good friend had her son "ACE" on the 6th. Held my first baby after the death of Laken, I was strong and didn't cry until I got home and hugged Dave. Mothers Day David bought me the most beautiful bracelet. Turquise with charms of a lamb and a little girl shiloette with the engraving of her birthday and length and weight.

JUNE- Chemical pregnancy 2 days after I told Dave we were pregnant. Davids birthday. Went on leave to visit my parents and family at the end of the month.

JULY- On leave in the U.P. went boating and fishing and swiming. Went to town on the 4th saw a double rainbow. (I have Hope). Took Dave quading and showed him all the cool things up north went to pictured rocks and even got him to swim out around the point and snorkel with us. And met my neice Alaska for the first time.  Had to go back to work leave was over.  July 18th Found out Laken was going to be a big sister had to wait for Dave to come home from work before I could tell anyone he was the first to find out. Called mom she said "it will be a boy!"

AUGUST- 3 year wedding anniversary. Met with the MFM's at the hospital, went over plan to bring home a baby. Did baseline labs for preeclampsia. Miss my little girl as I talk about new baby. Cry for both of them.

SEPTEMBER- Not alot went on just daily life with grief and happiness.

OCTOBER- 12th found out Laken is going to have a little brother. Cried when I saw Quinn on the screen. Kept the sex a secret from Daves dad told him in person when we took a weekend trip to PA. 25th Dave felt Quinn kick. 31st Dave took me to the Melting pot for our anniversary/my birthday dinner.

NOVEMBER- My birthday. Had to buy maternity pants belly band didn't work anymore. Had a growth scan he's measuring large about 2 weeks ahead. :) Thanksgiving, went on leave for the first week of deer season in PA. Had a baby shower got our pack and play from his step mom and gram. Dave shot 2 deer we have lots of venison to eat which is good since I crave meat this pregnancy.

DECEMBER- Managed to decorate for Christmas. Bought Laken's 1st birthday/2nd Christmas ornanment. Also bought a precious moment figurine for her shelf. Its a little girl hugging a lamb with the words that say "Jesus loves me". Christmas day had a panic attack at 0030 (1230am), went to sleep woke up had a good day got Dave to play just dance with me. At 2112 (9:12pm) lit Laken's candle for 10 minutes ( a minute for each day of life) managed to video tape about a min of it with new HD sony bloggie before I had to turn it off and cry with David and the dogs. Did my glucose test results good thank the lord.


And that was our year in a glance. granted every month there were days where I cried and I always think about Laken I have to type her name everytime I use my computer.

For 2011 I pray for only the best. To all of you who are pregnant or are trying I pray for an uneventful pregnancy and that you do get pregnant and have no issues.
To everyone else may your wishes come true and I hope you have love in your life.