So really why can't I seem to let the "what if's" and "supposed to be's" alone? I know i really shouldn't dwell on these but i just can't seem to get them off my mind. Maybe its because my "due date" has come and went and I am still in shock and denial of what happened to me and Laken. (Why is it that so many women who don't want kids or shouldn't be allowed to even have the kinds they have get to go to term and bring home a well baby; and deserving families like many of us don't get that luxury). Or maybe it is because I work a nights 5-2 (2on 2off 3on 2off 2on 3off) 12 hour shifts and i have so much time to just think. But I do have to say I think that I am getting better. My stress level has subsided a bit with getting the negative lab work results. I have realized there really is nothing I can do to change what happened; i can only take precautions for the next and have faith that every thing will turn out fine. And that I need to get healthy and live my life for Laken. Oh and so far I haven't had the need for antidepressants or sleeping aids. Which I am happy for those would just add to the vitamins, mineral and baby aspirin pills that i take already.
I was talking to my dear husband the other day and we realized that Laken was our holiday baby. She was conceived after a 2 month underway I had come back on the 3rd of July and by calculations she was a little sprout by the 4th. Then the next holiday which was very bitter sweet was her Christmas/birthday. I'm not sure how well I am going to be able to tolerate this year's 4th of july but I am hoping to be in the U.P. (that is the upper peninsula of michigan for those of you who don't know) with my family. Oh and I get a laugh out of this every time I tell it but my hubby picked out her name (family name) and didn't realize that her initials L-A-M-B were "lamb" and from that day that I pointed it out she was and always will be my little lamb.
One of my close friends is pregnant with a boy; she will be having her baby shower in april I really wanted to well see if i can make it through. But now I am thankful I am working this new work schedule because I will miss it. Don't get me wrong I wanted to go but I just have mixed feelings. I still am getting her a gift. I know I would be fine going since being around babies doesn't really "sting" as bad as I thought it would be, and i hang out with her like every weekend. I don't blame other mommies for sharing their happiness while I am in grieving I blame my docs who blew off my symptoms as normal pregnancy issues. Even after they read in my med record and my telling them that my mother has heterozygous factor v mutation. Now I just try and find any excuse to talk about and tell her story to keep her memory alive.
I'm loving this warm weather we have been having here in VA, it brings my spirits up. It's hard to stay saddened when birds are singing, sun is shining and flowers are blooming. I get out of the house more often now than I have had in the past 3 months getting my daily dose of vitamin D too by being outside without SPF on for atleast 15 minutes. But I have to say that I could really go for a good thunderstorm and I don't mean the off in a distance lightning and thunder I want it so close that you hear the thunder almost in sync with the flash of lightning. I love these types of storms. Like the saying "Tears Cleanse the soul and warm the cheeks.... cry...." Thats how I view the storms, the heavens are crying with us and bring us a new start.
Between this crazy work schedule, Gentle as a Lamb Designs, and taking Roxelle to the dog park I have been staying pretty busy which helps a lot with my feelings of sadness. I have done another memory garden tile that i have to post the picture up still but in short it has a stamp of a butterfly and the words "never gone" on it. I really get a joy out of making these tile designs for baby lost mommies but I am starting to run out of ideas and people around here wanting them. I need to find a way to get this more out in the world for people to order from me. I welcome any ideas.
0 comments:
Post a Comment